Today, a friend got engaged. Whenever I go to such events, my insides become a warzone. Those closest to me would know that I have no intention of getting hitched nor have I ever thought about it. With all due respect to those who are engaged & about to, I see no point of wasting time, money & effort when you should just dived into the real deal. Why wait 2 years to either find out you really want to spend your life with that significant other or that you wouldn’t when courtship itself led to this? I don’t get it. So you say it is tradition. People say “to save up properly”. Jealous men or women say “so that you’re officially taken”.
But let’s ignore that.
My point is, I actually haven’t been really honest. My insides become a warzone because I was too scared to face it. Whenever he talked about it, I wanted so much to embrace but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t mouth those words. I could, however, dismissed with such ease. It takes the life out of me to even think about it. When I say “think”, I mean everything from a-z.
And a few months before it happened, I thought about it. I never told anyone. In fact, I was still adamant about living on my own. I was scared to confront my thoughts so I’d sleep on it. How sure you will love and be loved by your significant other, for a lifetime (assuming that you actually DO want to spend the rest of life with them)? I can’t recall when it hit me but I remembered how it felt.
How it felt to confront my thoughts. It was fucking fucking fucking scary. It was scary but I was surer than ever.
Then it happened. I still have those thoughts but it is slowly fading away.
Because it has to.
Dry Eye 2.2.12
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I don't know what to feel. It has gotten from numb to sadness to anger to disbelief to sad again to numb again and....i don't know.
I don't know what to describe of my first proper relationship with a man. This man. I don't have an explanation, even. It wasn't all a bed of roses as much as i'd like it to be but I think that makes it more real than imagined. I wanted so much to spill. But knowing another person has walked into his life, it felt as if everything I believed in took a step back.
Everything. This marks the last entry of what could have been.
P.S Of all the things I said to you, you took that one phrase to heart. Stupid.
Get Real! 30.1.12
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I wish I mustered enough courage to stop fooling myself & being oblivious to whatever that is happening. You have yet to be completely honest but I know what's going on. I love her hair. I wish I had it but I've come to terms with my own inadequacies & yours. Now that is hard. How is it that, I could love someone who came close to nothing I've imagined? There you were, strands of curls reaching down the nape of your neck, goatee still there just like I remembered, tired eyes, belly of beer & carbs and clutching a beer can in hand. And then....just like I envisioned, you ran away with your 4S exchanging your life stories and sweet nothings to another person who has been missing you. You're so near yet so far, Luke.
I have missed you but all I can say now is, "I wish you best".
And that's the most dishonest thing I've ever said to you.
(If you're reading this, just know that my honest self can't be reflected anywhere else but here.)
Twentysixth.
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Happy Birthday. I love you, always.
Oh no. 25.1.12
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Just when I thought your absence during the past few days were manageable, the slew of updates are dramatic on its own. To the point where I feel like calling you up and to hear you say it. Say it.
Say it; It's the other girl.
There ain't no such thing called unconditional no more. I had alot to give, I gave & just like that, it was gone.
The content on my page are to be remain untouched/copy pasted. Do not plagiarized or use any images from this page without my authorized permit. If i see anyone stealing my shit I'll fucking rip their pubes out, virtually.
ISETAN VOUCHERS (friends, what happened?!) haha
BORDERS/KINOKUNIYA/ vouchers
SUBCRIBE:HOME&DECOR,QUAREROOMS,WALLPAPER,CLEO/STYLE
SWATCH WATCH
THICKER HAIR (on my wishlist even for the next century)
JEWELLERY from THOMAS SABO,SWAROVSKI when i'm a litle older (who cares about the robin's egg blue box? )
PHONE CHARM from KOKON TOZAI
UMBRELLA from ROBINSONS,FIE JAPAN
